My pre-halloween blooper.

Have you ever come to that point in a relationship with a guy, where you don’t know how much sharing is too much?

I got this recently when some things in my life caused me to change from being the happy, chipper person I normally am to a pre-halloween doom-fest – significantly freaking out the guy I like.

It got to that awful part in the conversation when you get gut-wrenching butterflies just waiting for him to respond, so you know how he took your message; feeling like the whole worlds rotating existence depends on his vital reply.

Naturally checking my blackberry every quarter of a second, I cursed myself for maybe being a bit too truthful about the reality of my life at the moment – that I’m carrying more baggage than a 747.

Of course, he would have to be in lesson when I sent this message (or so I would hope due to the shameful time span in which it took for him to reply) and I can’t say a tiny wincing noise didn’t come out when I did end up reading his response to my brutally honest life story.

Yes, letting him no that my life isn’t perfect caused him to slide into ‘brain fart’ mode and more or less say ‘Ok, please stay away from me.’. As you can imagine, I immediately started booking my ticket to Pluto. I’ve heard it’s nice this time of year anyways. Free from anyone who’s going to see the bee-sting red cheeks I had at that moment in time.

I felt like Michelle from ‘How to lose a guy in 10 days’, committing classic pre-dating crimes. I was just thankful that I stopped myself from telling him everything that I had eaten that day. But what harm can it to now… some toast, Doritos… and a foot apparently.

Fear not though, because after some serious relaxation and realisation later that night, a bottle of wine and a Friends episode that I’ve seen 1000 times before later, I had a revelation...

Australia’s much prettier than Pluto any day. What WAS I thinking? 

The Guy on a Tight Leash

I had a conversation a couple of weeks back with a guy I have been friends with for around 6 years. We’ve always been close, but when he got a new girlfriend 3 years ago things changed considerably, as the girl in question took a sudden disliking to me purely because I was a just that – a girl.

Now I’ve seen over-protective girlfriends in my time, but this somehow takes the crumpet. For a girl that has never met me, to suddenly inform me that I shall not see her boyfriend (previously my friend) seems slightly funny – or at least it did after getting over the shock from realizing she was being serious.

I mean, my parents used to get it in the ear from me, when they told me what to do when I was younger. I’m sure they understood my serious disliking when I went into an almighty strop and slammed my bedroom door, saying that I wasn’t going to come out ever again. Then again, I highly doubt the girl in question would respond to these tactics as well nowadays.

This got me thinking about how far I would let a partner of mine dictate what I can and cannot do. Following this I made up my mind that my friend wanted to ‘have his cake and eat it to’ – meaning he wanted to still be with his girlfriend, yet see me as well, and was willing to go behind her back if it meant getting it.

Now come on, I know I’ve been single for a few months now, but surely this was still considered wrong on both parts (though flattering on my behalf). The dating world hasn’t gone corrupt on me already has it?

So as we sat in my baby Clio, and I tried to maintain my attention on the road, I thought over what I would do in his situation. He claimed that it was difficult for him, as he had to go home to her every night, and if she was mad at him it wouldn’t be pleasant. But I just sat there thinking to myself, ‘no, you don’t have to do anything, you choose to; and yes I do think that’s wrong. But as long as your happy, who cares what anyone else thinks?’

I am now greatly in debt to my troubled friend. He made me remember that there are some perks to being unsettlingly single. For instance, you don’t have to save up your money only to buy an anniversary present instead of that dearly loved designer handbag you wanted. You never have to spend time with the in laws, and pretend that you always dreamed of being quizzed on your life to within an inch of your existence (as they secretly then reach for a documented folder they received from the spy who’s been investigating you, to make sure you follow the right political party and don’t have a part time job as an assassin.) And you never have to text anyone and to let them know where you are and what time you’ll be home (unless you have parents like mine).

Needless to say, the atmosphere got a bit awkward in the car that night, and I haven’t seen him since. Guess the girlfriend chained him up when he got home, and he won’t be going for ‘walkies’ again any time soon.

So I said to him, ‘yeah, I’m single. Boys are too much hassle’.

This was after 10 minutes of him driving me around in my car, claiming he was trying to find out why the wheels were making a funny ‘rrerrr’ing noise.

When he asked my mum if I was going to be getting out, I started scooping up my belongings and reaching for the car door handle, only to be re-informed that I would be going along for the drive; which I found out from my mother later, he wasn’t overly upset about.

Mechanic Man was 3 or 4 inches taller than me, and covered in oil from changing other people’s tyres. Shamefully all I could think about was him getting it all over my car seats. I cringed as oily clothes hit clean seating – then my third degree commenced.

Granted, Mechanic Man was lovely. Making light conversation and banter, I later realised he got me to spit out almost everything bar where I was born and what shampoo I used.

For a few minutes we debated about who’s got the best holiday plans.

‘I just got back from Portugal’ I said, flashing my new golden tan, hoping with all my might that I hadn’t started peeling yet – because that would be super attractive!

‘I’m going to Ibiza with the lads later this year’ he came back with. ‘Oh really now’ I thought to myself. Well if your upping the stakes..

‘I’m going to New York in December, and Tokyo next year’ I replied with a slight grin. He informed me he’d love to go to New York and I couldn’t resist slipping in that I used to live outside of it when I was younger. As he laughed and granted me 1- 0 he asked for my name. ‘Helena’ I said, ‘and yours?’ ‘Robbie*’ he replied.

By the time we pulled up in the car park outside the garage he was asking me if I was single – about the only information left to gather from me by this point. I looked at him as his cheeky smile shone through and I replied, ‘yeah I’m single. Boys are too much hassle’.

Whilst he fixed my car, my mum found it her sole mission to embarrass me by announcing loudly that she thought he liked me. Mums are great like that aren’t they? But it turns out that wasn’t the deal breaker.

As he handed the keys back to me, and I got in the car to drive off – there was only one thing he could do ruin our whole conversation. And he did it.

‘Bye Anna’ I heard, as I sped off into the distance.

Close but no cigar Robbie*. I drove on.

*Name Changed.